If you use night vision glasses, isn’t everything green?
My answer:  Pretty much.  But lights just look like very bright bursts.
What I wanted to say:  Just the food and the inside of my underpants sometimes.

My brother got a video game where he wears a gas mask and dogs chase him for training–do you do that?
My answer:  Not yet.  Next question?
What I wanted to say:  I think your brother has a drug problem.  Please don’t mimic his behavior.

How long does it take to put on your uniform?
My answer:  We’re required to be able to put on the mask in just a few seconds and the entire ensemble in a few minutes.
What I wanted to say:  About 15 minutes too long the first time, since invariably, our issued gear will be the wrong size.

Why did you drop a bomb on Japan?
My answer:  That occurred on August 6, 1945 and again on August 9, 1945.  I was born 30 years later.
What I wanted to say:  Because I bought a BetaMax player instead of VHS.

Weren’t children killed when the bomb was dropped on Japan?
My answer:  Unfortunately, yes.
What I wanted to say:  Just the ones who wouldn’t eat their vegetables.

Have you been shot?
My answer:  No, but our plane was “shot at.”
What I wanted to say:  I got shot down when I tried to buy a non-alcoholic beer for a female Colonel.

Why would anyone want to be a lawyer?
My answer:  We get to solve complicated problems and make a decent living doing it.
What I wanted to say:  Because I can’t sing or dance.

How come y’all object all the time?
My answer:  Because the other attorney is trying to get something into evidence that is not allowed.
What I wanted to say:  To get street cred with the jury, who expects such behavior from cool David E. Kelley shows.